You’re stressed. You just got out of class, and you had an exam that makes eternal damnation seem like child’s play. To make matters worse, nature’s calling. No, you don’t need to go to the bathroom, and no, you’re not on your period. You’re horny, and your significant other is currently unavailable for whatever reason. What shall you do? Sit and sulk in your lustful, stressed misery? Nope. You masturbate!

Yes, I said it. You pet the kitten. You wrestle the weasel. Whatever term you want to give it, you stimulate your genitalia to a satisfying orgasm. Wait, what is it that you’re saying? Masturbation is for the lonely? You’re too cool to rub one out? You’re too sexy to butter your own muffin?

What on God’s green Earth gave you that narcissistic assumption? You are human, and like everyone else reading this article, you have been blessed with sensational nerve endings on your genitalia. However, you do bring up a good point: masturbation is viewed as taboo in today’s society, and in an attempt to cover up much of the discomfort surrounding the matter, society has come up with horrible myths to discourage it. Some of these myths state that masturbation will result in misshapen genitals, blindness or hairy palms. Society even goes as far as to say that only "the lonely" do it. Well, after many years of masturbating, my genitals are well-shaped, my eyesight is fine, and my palms are as hairless as Vin Diesel’s head. Furthermore, mutual masturbation is a great addition to anyone’s sex life.

Despite the fact that nobody likes to talk about it, 95 percent of men and 89 percent of women admit to slamming the ham on a regular basis. And can you blame them? Apart from feeling absolutely amazing, masturbation has some incredible physiological benefits. First off, it is great stress relief. During masturbation, your blood flows, your muscles tense and relax and your body is able to release all that pent-up stress. In addition, you release endorphins that automatically make your body relax. Second, having a ménage à moi can satisfy your cravings for junk food and even cigarettes. During masturbation, your body releases phenethylamine, which naturally regulates your appetite and other cravings. A third benefit of dating Pamela Handerson is cancer risk reduction. Yep, I said the C-word. Masturbation has been shown to reduce one’s risk of prostate cancer. Now if that doesn’t convince you to go to palm prom, nothing will.

Masturbation, in all its glory, comes in many forms. One such form is penis stimulation. Everyone has their own “technique.” Some people like fast strokes, while others prefer slower strokes. Some people choke the chicken with a dry hand, while others will use lubricant (lube, lotion, petroleum jelly, etc.) to get things slippin’ and slidin’. Another form of masturbation is vaginal/clitoral stimulation. Although it is easier for some to orgasm by stimulating their clitoris, it is also common to masturbate by stimulating the vagina itself. A key thing to remember when masturbating is to make sure your hands are clean and your nails are clipped. If you have a vagina, your downtown bonanza is especially sensitive to foreign bacteria and sharp nails, so be sure to avoid any cuts or infections by partaking in some precautionary hygienic procedures. Lastly, a much-forgotten form of masturbation is anal masturbation. Many people have reported reaching orgasm via anal stimulation. However, before diddling this skittle, be sure that you have clipped your nails and use lube safe for your anal canal (all water-based and silicon-based lubes are perfect for this). Your anal canal is very sensitive as well, but with the proper precautions, you can provoke the most tantalizing sensations from this often-overlooked source of nerve endings.

Masturbation, in all its forms, is a safe and healthy way to express your sexuality. I mean, come on now, you can’t get an STI from yourself! And whether you are stimulating your penis, vagina or anus, masturbation is a great way to feel hot and saucy, all while learning about your body and reaping a gaggle of benefits. So tell me now, are you really above a little self-stimulation?