Howdy to the specific subsection of the 5Cs that reads The Student Life! I am your new anonymous sex columnist. I begin with a gentle promise: I am not here to goad you into anything. We are here to start slow and easy. No sex positions, acts, or fun objects to stick into interesting orifices. Yet.

Instead, today we mourn the passing of Tender Buttons from our pages, and I offer myself to you, dear readership, as a lowly replacement. You may call me Calamitous Jayne, new friends. Calamitous for short.

I'm sure all the sexy questions are burning upon your lips, but you still cannot bring yourselves to quench the fire in your throat by asking them. You are unsure of my qualifications. What skills and expertise do I bring to you? And why would you ask questions of such a personal nature to a random stranger that won't even divulge a real name?

I can only assure you of a few things.

First, I have spent a lot of my life talking about sex. Too much, maybe, and from an early age. I thought I knew what sex was by the time I was six. I also thought I really enjoyed it. What I actually enjoyed was naked time. I learned later that six is no longer an age when it is cute for a child to be naked in public all the time, and being naked does not equal sex at all, ever. But I have also talked about actual sex a lot, and probably know more about proper dildo/lube pairings than the population of several rural, red-state counties combined. Maybe all of them combined (and here I refer to both dildo/lube pairings and those red-state counties).

Second, I am more likely to answer your queries than any nationally syndicated advice columnist. Some may say this fact is a consequence of readership size and fame, but I say it is because I care, readers. I love you all that much.

Third, I guarantee that I will answer all those awkward questions you would otherwise turn to Yahoo! Answers for with more tact and diplomacy than the internet has ever attempted to display. No experience or desire is ever bizarre enough that another person has not wondered about it before. And no desire that you have is ever truly bizarre enough to merit shaming.

What I cannot promise is never to use Yahoo! Answers as a source.

Hopefully, my charming self has convinced you that I am truly the one to answer your questions on the mysteries of lesser known practices like shrimping, sounding, and sybian-use, and on the mysteries of more common acts like masturbation that can be confusing precisely because everyone talks about them.

If I don’t get any submissions or any indication of what you, the reader, wants to hear me ramble on about, I might just end up doing my own thing. That probably wouldn’t be horrible, but I fear that may result in me just ranking various sex toys using different criteria every week. And maybe that’s interesting for y’all too, but maybe not if I do one every week for all the weeks, forever.

So please, indulge me. Send queries and questions my way! No relationship problem is too big and no quip is too small for my mailbox. I can be reached at sex@tsl.pomona.edu or you can drop off your anonymous submissions in the envelope outside of The Student Life office (1^st floor Walker Lounge). I await your missives with bated breath. 

Love and kisses,

Calamitous Jayne